While practicing for my future career aspirations in espionage, I decided to study the behavioral characteristics of my fellow human beings. This was definitely a beneficial exercise for a future espionage-ist such as myself. Let me share with you the outcome of my expedition.

Destination : The Mall
Well, to begin with, people do not like being watched when they know they are being watched, that is very evident by the reactions you get when someone has discovered you watching them. I believe the most common term would be "creepy". Ok, fair enough, but the most interesting to me is what people do when they don't think they are being watched (no I've not taken up stalking. I watch all people in general, instead of just specifically signaling out one person) for example we have 3 different behaviors that are generally practiced in the bathroom or in private, but laziness to run to the bathroom eludes people, and so they tend to carry on, trying to hide the behavior as if nothing has happened.

Consider Exhibit A: The Wedgie Grab
Ok, so here is the classic example of what many people do in public but is still considered a "taboo" in society. And really, who can argue with that? Who really wants to watch a whole bunch of people picking at their rear ends trying to pick out the material that has so conveniently wedged itself up there.
If you watch closely, you can judge the grade of the wedgie by how hard the individual has to work to pick out said wedgie. Some are just little quick, hardly noticeable (except to the trained eye) flicks of the wrist, while others can be only be explained in one word, "Ouch!", or the phrase "Seriously!" seem to be quite common reactions.

My professional opinion for a solution? Either let this person know that to go commando maybe uncomfortable, but not nearly as uncomfortable as having that much fabric separating your "cheeks". Either that or buy the poor soul some decent unmentionables.

Exhibit B: The Gold Digger
We've all seen it, and perhaps done it as well, but this is the perfect example of why people should ALWAYS carry a package of Kleenex in their purse, or jacket pocket, or whatever. It's the finger shoved so far up the nasal cavity that the party in question may need surgical assistance to retrieve it. As I continued to study my subjects, one question began to form in my thoughts. What do they do with...uh...the "nuggets" that are being extracted? I did a study and found these statistics interesting.
30% of the studies were "Flickers" - putting the tip of their index finger against their thumb and flicking in a forward motion, allowing the "nugget" to fly, at will, across the room until coming in contact with a barrier, ending its flight and clinging to said barrier. After much study, I found that most common technique used by these "Flickers" was to roll the "nugget" into a ball before "flicking".
47% of studies were "Depositors" - deciding it best to hide their social sin, the individual will ever so stealthily smear the "nugget" on the next surface the finger, or "digging tool", comes in contact with. Many times you will not even know that the person has done this until it's too late. Many merchandisers have fallen prey to the "Depositors" way of dealing with their publicly scorned habit.
23% of studies observed were "Consumers" - Perhaps the most considerate, yet revolting of the offenders, this study showed that while the "Flickers" and the "Depositors" left trails of evidence to their crimes, the "Consumers" prefer to consume the findings of their nasal cavities so as not to leave a trail. A poll taken of this particular specimen revealed it to be the most horrendous of social offenses.

My Professional opinion for a solution? CARRY KLEENEX WITH YOU AT ALL TIMES!!!

Exhibit C: Public Lovers
This category needs no introduction. But the question remains foremost in many minds is how far is too far? One anonymous individual states, "Holding hands, little kisses, hugs, flirting, all these things are natural behavior, and aren't disruptive, or disturbing to the public eye. What can be classified as "making-out" aggressive, or continual kissing, groping, grabbing private areas or the other partners bodies, these are all inappropriate in social situations..." After interviewing random persons, I found this topic to be one that many people had strong opinions on. It was also evident by the reactions that a couple that displayed aggressive public displays of affections received from others around them. There was the eye-roll and loud sigh of disapproval, and then the "Oh that's just disgusting" that is exclaimed loud enough for the couple to hear. Mothers would cover their children's eyes and quickly remove the child from the scene, while others (dare I say it?) seemed to even enjoy the display...None of these reactions, however, seemed to phase the couple's quest to express their affection for each other to as many onlookers as possible.

My professional opinion for a solution? Keep it PG out there people. X-rated is for the privacy of your own home.

SO there you have it, the conclusion of my expedition. I may be given an even harder mission by my superiors if this report was satisfactory. Thank you and good night!

Song of the Day: Theme Song from "Get Smart"

Labels: huh?

posted by Tennille @ 1:05 AM

4 Comments:

At 8:19 AM, Anonymous said…

Sorry Tennille. Gary & I will try to keep it PG the next time we're in public. ;)

Seriously, you're hilarious. Thanks for the laugh!
At 2:30 PM, Anonymous said…

lol. I like it. Good points. It looks like you have been doing some thorough research!

Exhibit C could be a little confusing since the letter ratings are based on relativism. ie. R rated movies from 1990 are equivalent to a 2000 PG movie. So, I guess if I am confused I am just stuck in the 90s.

PS. your previous post is quite inspiring.
At 4:14 PM, Lana said…

I was thinking of your post the other night When Junah and I were Playing badmitten at the gym, I won and he layed on the floor like he was dead. When I went to see if he was alright. He said that he needed to be kissed to wake up. He does that sometimes but not usually in public, My little sleeping Beauty. So I bent down and Kissed him, How could I resist, I mean I did just Beat him, He may have let me win:) even though he says he didn't.
At 8:27 PM, Anonymous said…

Great work.